


I am Changed

by ModernAgeSomniari



Series: Mala Suledin Nadas [12]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Foreshadowing, Gen, Varric Tethras is a Good Friend, all the gang are there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25991827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernAgeSomniari/pseuds/ModernAgeSomniari
Summary: The gang rest for the night after the events of In Hushed Whispers
Relationships: Female Lavellan/Solas
Series: Mala Suledin Nadas [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829143
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	I am Changed

It was the new sparkly kid who told them what had happened, not their Eli.This was the first thing that set off the warning bells in Varric’s head.The second thing was that, within minutes of Dorian starting the story, she’d quietly warned him off exaggeration.The third thing was that he then did what she asked.In Varric’s opinion, men like this one didn’t tone down their exaggerations for anything.He should know.

Not that wasn’t like Eli to be quiet - she’d spent a good deal of the first week or so barely saying a word unless you spoke to her first, but Varric could understand that.She’d just been thrown into a situation so far from anything she’d experienced, anyone with any brains at all would take a few days to take the lay of the land before they started throwing their weight around.She’d picked up about day eight, starting to initiate conversation and get to know her new surroundings.Cheered right up, if he was honest, he couldn’t fault her strength.

This was different.She was sat in the circle they’d made around the camp fire down the King’s Road from Redcliffe.None of them had particularly wanted to stay in the town, so they’d kept walking and camped halfway between the town and the camp.Once the sun had set and they’d eaten, inevitably they’d asked what had happened.She was playing with a piece of leather in her hands, twisting it and tangling it only to thread her tiny fingers through it and smooth it out before starting all over again.She watched the fire, something violent in the way it reflected in her huge green eyes, but there was nothing on her face.This had moved her, deeply.

He kept his eyes on her as he listened, mostly horror struck, at what Dorian was telling them.The red lyrium clenched his gut, but the new kid’s description of who they found and how was worse, far worse.Poor Leliana.It was a sobering thought, the idea that a world where he himself was dead had existed.Not for long it seemed (only it had also lasted a year?Only it hadn’t?There was no way he was going to be able to put this into any book, was there?), but still the reality of it was a cold slap in the face.No one liked imagining a world where they were dead.Eli, apparently, had seen and experienced it.Watched some of them die.

It was only when Dorian was finishing the story, trying to tell them that it was all ok, that they’d found the amulet, sent themselves back, none of it ever happened, it was all a bad dream etc etc that Eli looked up, something wrong and fierce in her eyes now.

“It wasn’t just a bad dream, Dorian.”

Her voice was low, but something about it quietened the whole damn camp.

“Well it might as well be.Otherwise I’d have to live with the reality the whole rest of my life and nightmares do play havoc with age lines…”

“We can’t just pretend it all didn’t happen because it’s easier.”

Now her voice was raised and she’d sat up, leather clenched tightly in her fist.“Dorian.It happened.”

“Technically, no it…”

“Yes.It did.To us.If it hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be here.Alexius still sent us forward and then we came back, so if it hadn’t happened, we’d still be gone.And then it would have happened.”

Varric considered himself a clever sort of bastard, but he was having trouble keeping up.There was something frustrated but pained in Sparkler’s face.

“I see your point.But that doesn’t change the fact that they don’t fit into this world any more.For us to be here now means they never have to exist.”

“That doesn’t mean they didn’t exist.Just because they don’t fit anymore doesn’t mean they didn’t exist when we were there.”

Andraste’s ass but there were tears in her eyes now, not falling but glinting just enough in the firelight he knew they were there.He could never stand it when people cried, damn it.

“Then where are they?I know you think I’m being cowardly about this, but what do you want me to do?Cassandra is sitting right here.Solas has as impeccable a skin routine as when I first met him, not a red vein to be seen.”

“So they didn’t die?Is that what you’re saying to me?”

Varric definitely preferred it when she’d raised her voice to this quiet fury she’d switched to now.

“I didn’t say…”

“But that’s what you want to believe.What’s easier to believe.They died, Dorian.They died so that we could come back.And they were real.”

She shook her head, her face crumpling slightly as she couldn’t keep the tears in anymore.The brokenness of her voice did nothing to the ferocity in her eyes as she stood across the fire from Dorian, not flinching even as the tears ran down her face.“I am changed, Dorian.Their fight, their death, their sacrifice.They have changed me.And I am real.So they are, too.Think me foolish for mourning them if you must, but I will.And I will not forget.”

She turned, refusing to wipe her eyes but clearly not wanting them to see any more.They let her go.Silence fell over the fire as they all watched her take herself to sit on a rock at the edge of camp, looking down the ravine at the hinterlands below.No one said anything.It made Varric respect the new Tevinter mage slightly, that he just nodded solemnly and poured himself another drink rather than try and continue to fight his corner now he had no opposition.As for Varric, he took a sip of his own drink before casting a quick look around the fire.Most people were staring into their cups, uncomfortable and pensive.One of the few who wasn’t was Solas, who was looking after where Eli had gone like he couldn’t look away, something unreadable but deeply uneasy in the expression on his face.Varric’s inner alarm bells started going off again.This didn’t bode well.

“Was it so bad?” The Seeker asked after a while.Clearly tired, Sparkler just shrugged and nodded.

“I know what you look like after being speared by a Terror demon, if that paints a picture.And I’ve seen the difference between human and elven eyes when exposed to truly horrific amounts of red lyrium, which tops it all off nicely.”

“There’s a difference?” Varric asked, immediately wondering why he always asked questions he didn’t want the answer to.Dorian’s gaze was slightly haunted to match his hollow laugh.

“Elves are apparently more susceptible, or perhaps it’s just the same thing that makes their eyes glow at night.I don’t know.”

He took another swig of his hip flask before gesturing over to Solas.“You were a bloody breath of fresh air.Barely had to explain anything - caught on quick as a whip.Have you known her long?”

Solas looked as confused by the last question as Varric felt, eyebrows drawn together as he shook his head.“No.Didn’t think so.You get on though, don’t you?”

“If you are suggesting some sort of elf connection…”

“No.No I’m not.It’s just…”

Dorian paused, flicking his gaze over to the silhouette that was Eli, back at Solas and then back at the fire.Finally he just shrugged.“Oh, she’ll tell you if she wants to.If I were either of you, though, I’d find a few moments on the journey back to Haven to remind her you are both, in fact, still alive.She took your deaths pretty hard.”

No one said anything after that.No one really moved either.Varric wondered what it was - the horror, the reality of this Elder One, or just the realisation that their Herald wasn’t strong because she was all-powerful, but because she didn’t let her fragility shatter her.She would mourn, she would let her heart break for this world that should never have been and then she would allow it to make her stronger.Varric had seen it before, watched a person take more pain than he thought possible and turn it right back into fierce determination and unshakeable loyalty.Maker’s balls, but he was going to get in way over his head again, wasn’t he?

Solas got up first, quiet and graceful, stepping around them all as he angled towards the tents.Varric watched him go, wondering at what Dorian had said and hoping that what he suspected was going to happen wasn’t going to.Because he’d been there before, too, and there was nothing there but hurt, he knew it.So some part of him started silently willing Solas to keep heading towards the tents, even as he watched him slow down.Knew that there was a suspicious squint to his eyes as he watched Solas draw to a halt, looking over at where Eli was sat at the other side of camp.Felt something release as he turned away, back to the tents and clench right up again when he hesitated.If a low ‘Don’t you dare, Chuckles’ left his mouth under his breath, he couldn’t be blamed.

His heart sank as Solas changed his mind again, something reluctant in his gait even as he turned once more towards Eli and started walking towards her like it was despite himself.Honestly, Varric would almost say that the man was even more irritated at himself than Varric was for not being able to leave her.He watched him hesitate one more time, just behind her, before he took one more step forward and sat close beside her.

Varric couldn’t hear what they were saying.Knew damn well that he wouldn’t be wanted there even if he could.He watched her body sway slightly before she let it lean gently against Solas’ arm and his heart was heavy enough he actually sighed into his ale as he watched that arm come up around her shoulders, pulling her in.Damn that man for being an idiot, damn Eli for being, well, Eli and damn himself for seeing so much and caring even more.He’d seen this play out in Kirkwall, seen it a thousand times in every tale of every hero in Thedas.

There was no way this was going to end well.

**Author's Note:**

> The parallels between In Hushed Whispers and Solas' situation have always made me unneasy (which shows good writing tbh) but I wanted to explore how different Eli and Solas' attitudes are towards this sort of thing, how it's a natural part of who they are, which is why they'll oppose each other eventually.


End file.
